New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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