textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Sext me about skeletons
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
