Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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