Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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