yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
