okay pat passed out under dana's car
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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