Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
