So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i need some magic done to my vagina
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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