someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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