My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
