I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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