My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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