don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
