I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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