the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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