True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
