When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
