Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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