Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Is it because I queefed?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
