At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
