Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
