i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
