Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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