Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
