Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
