Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
