I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He shit in the fireplace
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
