What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
