too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
