So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
