I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
