Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
