I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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