THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You may now shotgun with the bride
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
