I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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