I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
