i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
