HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I could fuck to npr.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize