dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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