Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
