I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
