I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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