I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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