Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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