you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
