Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
