nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Randomize
