I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
