dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
