WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
