I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
