Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
