Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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