Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
