I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
