i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
