I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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