there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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