Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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